Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
A college student at a recent Carolina football game
challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him,
saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said
loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we
have television, jet planes space travel, man has
walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing, and, uh-------
" Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young, so we invented them, you SILLY
little BRAT! Now what are you doing for the next generation??"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then
at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned
from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The
bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
The Lamaze Class!
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the
necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Communicating with your bank
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, heretofore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Foxylady