 |
10/22/05 I took yesterday off to play Jewel Quest. Today I have this to offer you. Have a GREAT day.
Love ya, Donny
THE OAK AND THE WILLOW
There is an old fable in which the mighty oak tree which stood for
over 100 years finally was blown over by a storm. The tree fell into a river that floated it downstream until it came to rest
among the reeds growing along the riverbank. The fallen giant asked the reeds in amazement,"How is it that you were able to
weather the storm that was too powerful for me, an oak tree, to withstand?" The reeds replied,"All these years you stubbornly
resisted the winds that swept your way. You took such pride in your strength that you refused to yield, even a bit. We, on
the other hand, have not resisted the winds, but have always bent with them. We recognized the superior power of the wind
and so, the harder the wind blew the more we humbled ourselves before it."
Always remember to bend with the wind, and you won't be blown over
bt the storm!
10/21/05 I ALMOST rolled on the floor over this one!
Here is one man's very imaginative way to deal with a pesky telemarketer: The phone rang as I was sitting down
to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything
like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something
like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the
side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving
a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length
as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where
he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering
the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his feet running away. My
wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about
fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable. 
10/20/05 Have a great day on me. LOL.
Today I will delete from my diary two days: yesterday and tomorrow.
Yesterday
was to learn, and tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do today.
Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.
Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.
Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only
objective is to succeed.
Today I will invest my most valuable resource: my time,in the most transcendental work:
my life;
Today I will spend each minute passionately to make it a different and unique
day in my life.
Today I will defy every obstacle that appears in my way, trusting I will succeed.
Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile, and
a positive attitude of always expecting the best.
Today I will take the time to be happy and will leave my footprints
and my presence
in the hearts of others.
Today, I invite you to begin a new season
where we can dream, that everything
we undertake is possible and we fulfill it, with joy and dignity.
10/19/05
SPIRITS RETURN
I've seen this arrowhead before I know
Maybe about
fifteen hundred years ago
I chipped it myself where the creek used to flow
I remember this mound when it was deep
in the wood
With my temple on top so immaculate it stood
Though it shrinks in this city it still feels good
I've
heard that cry before in the sky
the mighty eagle soaring so high
I look up and smile as he winks his eye
These
visions hit me straight to the marrow
The past shoots through me like the swiftest arrow
For the past flows deeper as
the future gets shallow
- Author unknown
10/18/05 I don't remember if I posted this yet or not. If I run across it while making room I'll delet it and find something
else. Have a great day. Love ya.
First Date
He asked me out on our first date
The
excitement was intense
As we faced each other in the car
He seemed a little tense.
I think I made him nervous
He had
a silly grin
His leg was shaking just a bit
I got beneath his skin.
I couldn't see why he would be
So
anxious with me there
I sidled up against him
And fondled with his hair.
His breathing it was shallow
Some
sweat dripped from his brow
My hand ran up his leg a little
I think I heard him growl.
It was so good to see him
I thought
he would be too
But his pulse it was a racin'
I think he's got the flu!
I put my arms around him
And pressed
myself up close
Just to give him comfort
But he's almost comatose!
His breathing's coming heavy
I'd
better call the doc
When I massaged both his shoulders
His heart it nearly stopped.
I kissed him on the cheek
And told
him he'd be fine
I pressed his head against my breast
His knees did double time.
It didn't matter what I did
To
try to make him better
I stroked, I kissed, I fondled
He just got hotter and hotter.
Well as I tended for him
And tried
to quell his fire
The doc said not to worry
It's a thing that's called desire.
Copyright; Janette Tickner
10/17/05 Here's a funny storie for ya. Enjoy!
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting
form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully,
and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building
at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then
I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You
will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go
of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken
collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope
in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately,
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand,
and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
10/13/05 This one had people spitting coffee or soda on their screens from laughing too hard.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.Then I look into the
glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams if I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
leave your wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day. "Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I
read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henry Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers
in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~
Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without
question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again
that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for
last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo theory to
his buddy Norm .
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
10/12/05
THE TICKET
Working people frequently ask us retired folks what we do to make our
days
interesting.
Well, I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about
five minutes.
When I came
out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a senior
a
break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name. He glared at me and wrote
another ticket for
having worn tires.
So, I called him a worse name.
He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the
first.
Then he started writing a third
This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more I abused him the more
tickets he wrote.
Well, I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this
one
had a
bumper sticker on it "Hillary in '08".
You see, I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's
important at my age.
10/10/05 Took 2 days off. (Cause I couldn't get to a puter.) After all it was a "Holiday". I got a REALLY
good laugh out of this. It should make up for missing Sun. and Monday. Enjoy.
Love ya, Donny
This is why you should know your limits when drinking tequila.
A Texan walks into a bar, notices a very large
jar on the counter, and sees that
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands
of dollars
in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three
tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay
first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says.
Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila,
the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up
out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman
upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The Texan is
stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do
those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As
time goes on and the Texan has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Where's the tequila?" He grabs the gallon
with both hands and downs it
with a big slurp. He has tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't
make a face.
Next,
he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a horribly noisy scuffle
going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and
then, total silence.
Just
when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches
all over his body.
"Now," says the Texan, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
10/8/05
Bubbles of the
Ocean
The bubbles of the ocean are
very special to me
because the feeling
of
the bubbles between your
toes when you walk by the
the waves as they are crashing onto the shore
reminds me
of you and me together on the beach.
when you and I walk so slowly back to my beach house
and at the same time we are holding hands
tightly as we walk on the shore
by the crashing bubbly waves.
No wonder I love the bubbly feeling between my toes.
They
remind me of the special times we had with each other
on the beach together.
- Samantha Zimmerman
10/7/05
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that your 54 year old body can no longer supply.
I am
very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at
the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home
before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following
letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I
would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I
would like to
inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis
coach
who, like your secretary,
is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent
knowledge of maths, you will understand that
we are in
the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into
18. Therefore, I will not be back before
lunch time tomorrow.
10/6/05 I "HAD TO" add this as it made me laugh my ass off.
A Bad Day at Work.
This is even funnier when you realize it's a true story! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of
this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in
Ft. Wayne, Indiana who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another
note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at
the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we
do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started
to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled
the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked
up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions
were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say
I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before
I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet........
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed
me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love
my job, I love my job".
Big Brother
David Oliver
Senior
Vice President
DeWitt Stern of CaliforniaInsurance Services
10/6/05
Really Be There For Another
Listening is a magnetic and
strange thing, a creative force. You can see that when you think how the friends that really listen to us are the ones we
move toward, and we want to sit in their radius as though it did us good, like ultraviolet rays.
How well do we communicate
with others? Often, when we are interacting with others, our attention in both speaking and listening is focused on meeting
our own needs.
Our communication skills improve when we can open to be aware of the needs of the other person. When
we listen, we can release the filters that serve our own needs for security and receive the message with our compassionate
heart. And when we speak, we can choose words that the listener is able to receive. True communication happens when we harmonize
with the other individual.
So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening
not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.
The first
duty of love is to listen.
10/4/05 has been a REAL good day for "neat" mail.
|
The Concert
|
When the house lights dimmed and the concert
was about to begin, the mother returned to
her seat and discovered that the child was
missing
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights
focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.
In horror, the mother saw her little
boy
sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out
"Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made
his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and
whispered in the boy's ear,
"Don't quit.""Keep playing."
Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached
down with his left hand and began filling
in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached
around to the other side of the child,
and he added a running obbligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice
transformed what could have been a frightening
situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
The audience was so mesmerized that
they couldn't recall what else the great master played.
Only the classic,
" Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
Perhaps that's the way it is with God.
What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly
noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren't always
graceful flowing music. However, with
the
hand of the Master, our life's
work can truly be beautiful.
The next
time you set out to accomplish great feats,
listen carefully. You may hear the voice
of the
Master, whispering in
your ear,
"Don't quit." "Keep playing."
May you feel His arms around you and
know that His hands are there, helping you
turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn't seem to
call the equipped, rather, He equips
the 'called.'
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone
by passing this little message along.
May God bless you and be with you always! |
and
remember , |
"Don't quit."
"Keep playing.",
The Lord, the master is with you
always making the melody perfect!
10/4/05
In a message dated 10/3/2005 8:50:01 PM Central Standard Time, emailaprilhere@yahoo.com writes:
If you're from Wisconsin, most likely:
*Your best shirt
has big letters GB on it.
* FFA was the most popular club in high school.
* You know what's knee-high by
the Fourth of July.
* You know that there is no 'r' in Wausau.
* You were delighted to get a miniature snow
shovel for your 3rd birthday.
* You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.
* You buy
your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
* You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar
with
them to be frighteningly foreign.
* You get irritated at sports announcers who pronounce it "Wes-con-sin."
*
You own at least one cheese head.
* You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately
break
into uncontrollable laughter.
* You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair.
* You know
that "combine" is a noun.
* You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.
* You let your older siblings
talk you into putting your tongue on a
steel post.
* You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
*
You can tell the difference between "real Wisconsin cheese" and "that
Illinois stuff."
* You know that creek
rhymes with pick.
* Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.
* You can visit Luxemburg,
Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, and
Poland all in one afternoon.
* A Friday night date is taking your
girlfriend shining for deer.
* There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in
the
morning...phew!
* You have driven your car on a lake.
* You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and
"batree."
* The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what
the standings are.
*
You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending into "Da
Lake."
* You can leave your ice cream
in the car while you go into Fleet Farm,
and it won't melt.
* You always believed that vacation meant "going up
north."
* You have more fishing poles than teeth.
* At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance
the hokey
pokey & the chicken dance.
* You know what a bubbler is.
* Your definition of a small
town is one that only has one bar.
* The local gas station sells live bait.
* At least twice a year, the
kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
* You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard
shutting
down the entire east coast.
* Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what
she means.
*
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
*
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
* Your bank has the name of your
town included in its name.
* You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your
Wisconsin
friends.
LEARNING IS THE WAY TO GO. LET'S GO.
|
