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10/22/05 I took yesterday off to play Jewel Quest. Today I have this to offer you. Have a GREAT day.
Love ya, Donny
THE OAK AND THE WILLOW
There is an old fable in which the mighty oak tree which stood for
over 100 years finally was blown over by a storm. The tree fell into a river that floated it downstream until it came to rest
among the reeds growing along the riverbank. The fallen giant asked the reeds in amazement,"How is it that you were able to
weather the storm that was too powerful for me, an oak tree, to withstand?" The reeds replied,"All these years you stubbornly
resisted the winds that swept your way. You took such pride in your strength that you refused to yield, even a bit. We, on
the other hand, have not resisted the winds, but have always bent with them. We recognized the superior power of the wind
and so, the harder the wind blew the more we humbled ourselves before it."
Always remember to bend with the wind, and you won't be blown over
bt the storm!
10/21/05 I ALMOST rolled on the floor over this one!
Here is one man's very imaginative way to deal with a pesky telemarketer: The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his feet running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.  10/20/05 Have a great day on me. LOL.
Today I will delete from my diary two days: yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday was to learn, and tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do today. Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.
Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise. Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only
objective is to succeed.
Today I will invest my most valuable resource: my time,in the most transcendental work: my life; Today I will spend each minute passionately to make it a different and unique
day in my life.
Today I will defy every obstacle that appears in my way, trusting I will succeed. Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile, and
a positive attitude of always expecting the best.
Today I will take the time to be happy and will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others. Today, I invite you to begin a new season where we can dream, that everything we undertake is possible and we fulfill it, with joy and dignity. 10/19/05
SPIRITS RETURN I've seen this arrowhead before I know - Author unknown 10/18/05 I don't remember if I posted this yet or not. If I run across it while making room I'll delet it and find something
else. Have a great day. Love ya.
First Date
He asked me out on our first date I think I made him nervous I couldn't see why he would be His breathing it was shallow It was so good to see him I put my arms around him His breathing's coming heavy I kissed him on the cheek It didn't matter what I did Well as I tended for him
Copyright; Janette Tickner 10/17/05 Here's a funny storie for ya. Enjoy!
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient: I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope! 10/13/05 This one had people spitting coffee or soda on their screens from laughing too hard.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.Then I look into the
glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams if I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave your wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day. "Frank Sinatra ~ Stephen Wright ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again
that you love them. 10/12/05
THE TICKET Working people frequently ask us retired folks what we do to make our days interesting. Well, I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Well, I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a bumper sticker on it "Hillary in '08". You see, I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. 10/10/05 Took 2 days off. (Cause I couldn't get to a puter.) After all it was a "Holiday". I got a REALLY
good laugh out of this. It should make up for missing Sun. and Monday. Enjoy.
Love ya, Donny
This is why you should know your limits when drinking tequila. A Texan walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The Texan is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the Texan has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's the tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. He has tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a horribly noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then, total silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," says the Texan, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" 10/8/05
Bubbles of the
Ocean
when you and I walk so slowly back to my beach house
No wonder I love the bubbly feeling between my toes. - Samantha Zimmerman 10/7/05
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow. 10/6/05 I "HAD TO" add this as it made me laugh my ass off.
A Bad Day at Work.
This is even funnier when you realize it's a true story! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of
this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet........ As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job". Big Brother David Oliver Senior Vice President DeWitt Stern of CaliforniaInsurance Services 10/6/05
Really Be There For Another Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. You can see that when you think how the friends that really listen to us are the ones we move toward, and we want to sit in their radius as though it did us good, like ultraviolet rays. How well do we communicate with others? Often, when we are interacting with others, our attention in both speaking and listening is focused on meeting our own needs. Our communication skills improve when we can open to be aware of the needs of the other person. When we listen, we can release the filters that serve our own needs for security and receive the message with our compassionate heart. And when we speak, we can choose words that the listener is able to receive. True communication happens when we harmonize with the other individual. So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. The first duty of love is to listen. 10/4/05 has been a REAL good day for "neat" mail.
"Don't quit." "Keep playing.", The Lord, the master is with you always making the melody perfect! 10/4/05
In a message dated 10/3/2005 8:50:01 PM Central Standard Time, emailaprilhere@yahoo.com writes:
If you're from Wisconsin, most likely: LEARNING IS THE WAY TO GO. LET'S GO. |
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