Stories, Jokes and Poems

Friendship is like a rainbow:

Red like an apple, sweet to the core.

Orange, like a burning flame, never dying out.

Yellow like the sun that brightens your day.

Green like a plant that keeps on growing.

Blue like the water that is so pure.

Purple like a flower that is ready to bloom.

Indigo like the dreams that fill your heart.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP!

Author Unknown

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading
her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever
more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

  That should have done it. The matter should have ended  right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have  sailed into one of the
pristine yards and gone on  about his business, and I could
have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no  ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
  Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and  with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on  my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial  and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not  improved. Not improved at all.
  His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach  him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of  the force of the
throw, only having one hand  (the throttle hand) on the handlebars,
and my jerking  back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my
right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the  throttle
of a Valkyrie can only have one result. TORQUE.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very,  very good
at it. The engine roared and the front heel  left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.
  Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph  and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one  wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
  With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other  hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices,  but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how  to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded.   I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little  effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
  About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle  (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in  my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
  Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather
glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on  one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out  of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
  Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could.
This time it worked ... sort of. Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.
  Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential  street and parked with your windows down to do some  paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably  80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder  roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and  dropped the
front wheel to the ground. I then used  maximum braking and skidded
to a stop in a cloud of  tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross
street. I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back).  I
really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car  were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam  and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear  I saw the
squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Author unknown

 When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

 When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

 And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

 When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

 As everyone of us sometimes learns,

 And many a failure turns about,

 When we might have won had we stuck it out:

 Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

 You may succeed with another blow.

 Success is failure turned inside out,

 The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

 And you can never tell how close you are,

 It may be near when it seems so far:

 So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

  It's when things seem worst

  The husband, ( who was taking a shower ),
ran out into the living room naked to see
what the problem was.   

  She told him there was  a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the  floor on his hands
and knees to look for it. About that time
the family dog came and cold-nosed him on
the behind. He thought the snake had bitten
him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor.

  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so
she covered him up, told him to lie still and
called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in,
wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
him on the stretcher and started carrying
him out.   

  About that time the snake came out from
under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of
the stretcher.

  That's when the man broke his leg and why
he is still in the hospital.

  The wife still had the problem of the
snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor man. He volunteered to capture
the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-
up newspaper and began poking under the
couch.

  Soon he decided it was gone and told the
woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in
between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa.   

  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there
passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

  The neighbor's wife, who had just returned
from shopping at the grocery store, saw her
husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head
with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out
and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.   

  The noise woke the  woman from her dead
faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the
floor with his wife  bending over him, so
she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

  She went to the kitchen  and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down
the man's throat.   

  By now the police had  arrived.   

  They saw the  unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey,and assumed that a drunken fight had
occurred.

They were about to  arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened
over a  little green snake. 

  The police called an  ambulance, which took
away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.   

  The little snake again  crawled out from
under the sofa. One of the  policemen drew
his gun and fired at it. He  missed the snake
and hit the leg of the end table. The table
fell over and the lamp on it  shattered and
as the bulb broke it started a fire in the
drapes.   

  The other policeman  tried to beat out the
flames, and fell through the window into the
yard on top of the  family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where
an oncoming car swerved  to avoid it  and
smashed into the parked police car.   

Meanwhile, the burning  drapes were seen by
the neighbors who called  the  fire department.

  The firemen had started  raising the fire-
truck ladder when  they were halfway down
the street.

  The rising ladder tore  out the overhead
wires and put out the electricity and
disconnected the telephones in a  ten-square
city block area, ( but they did get the house
fire out ).  

  Time  passed. Both men were discharged from
the hospital, the house  was repaired, the dog
came home, the  police acquired a new car, and
all was right with their world.   

  A while later they were  watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that
night.   

  The husband asked his  wife if she thought 
they should bring in their  plants for the
night.   

That's when she shot  him. 

8 Morons Of The Year

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

   AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual     leadership.  He received a $26 million severance package.
   Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours     attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
   ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
   them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, Kidnapped a motorist     and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
    proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the      money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store      clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
    grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just      couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to
     repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man
     shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is      pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the
    doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was     arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a     thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.  (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an     hour east of Bakersfield, CA,  some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
    No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.
    It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.      After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking
    someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
    revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up     and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
    guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was     laughing so hard.
    (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)

     Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!