The Biker & The Old Lady
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Sex Frogs!!!!
A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an erotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
5. Allow the frog to follow its training and you will experience mad passionate sex.

She quickly gets ready , gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I am all ready and I've done everything according to the instructions."But the damn frog just just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me carefully! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

London Honeymoon.
Bobbie Jo was beside himself. Here he was on a big airliner on the way to London with his brand new bride for a 5 day honeymoon.
Betty Sue was just as excited and why not. She had read all about London and she could not wait to tour the shops , bookstores, and the famous places to see.
Bobbie Jo however, had other plans.
On arrival at their hotel in London , Bobbie Jo wisked his bride right up to their room. Upon entering , Betty Sue was a bit taken aback. The room had been stocked with everything one could imagine... snacks, vending machines, boxed foods of all descriptions. Bobbie Jo had a plan
Simple -- there was no way he was gonna let Betty Sue out of this room for 5 days. He had a terrible strong case of raging hormones.
Poor Betty Sue --- she did endure. On the 5th evening of their stay. Bobbie Jo had a guilt attack --- he felt terrible that he had kept her confined in this way for his selfish pleasure.
He had an idea . Knowing she loved the theater he had a paper sent up and looked through it eagerly. Betty Sue was unaware, as she had just stepped out of the shower.
Suddenly , Bobbie Jo found it --- a stage play. "Betty Sue"! he called. "How would you like to see Oliver Twist"?
To which Betty Sue replied " Bobbie Jo !!!!! So help me god if you show me one trick with that thing I am going straight home to my mother " !!!!!!!

Everyday Life

Every Day Life...

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they are meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become.

You never know who these people might be: your neighbour, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock your eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason.

Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illness or relationships, life would be a smooth paved straight road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from, in fact they are probably the poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart….If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again…

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high…. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself… For if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life, and then go out and live it!

Author Unknown

Staten Island Ferry!?
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said." This is the Staten Island Ferry."

The Trouble Pile
The Trouble Pile
"Where do you go today, old man.
With that great load there on your back?"
The old man just grumbled as he hobbled a long
Holding Tight to the bulging sack.

"I say, old man, "cried the boy again
"Do you carry a sack of gold?"
"Nay, lad," the old man whispered.
"Tis just troubles--that's all I hold."
"This sack I've carried, all my life
Each trouble I've had is here.
They've grown till now, my back grows bent
With every passing year.

"There's grief and pain, there's hurt and woe,
There are trials and sins galore
But I'm going now to the trouble pile
and I won't pack these no more."

The boy looked up with a troubled glance.
"Tell me, what's the trouble pile?
I'd like to know, and while we talk You can sit and rest a
while."

"I lack the time," the old man said,
I've got to rush along.
I want to get to the trouble pile
"Fore the little troubles are gone.

"You see, it's a place where all can go
To trade troubles great and small
You can leave yours there and pick new ones up.
Why, I'll trade 'till I've none at all."

The boy glanced down at his twisted leg,
And he blinked to hold back a tear.
"Could I trade this leg for a good one," he asked,
"If the trouble pile was here?"

"Of course, you could," the old man was gruff.
"But there's still a long way to go.
I've got to hurry or I'll be late,
And crippled you'd be too slow."

So the boy sat down and watched the man,
Disappear in the morning light,
The hours wore on and still he watched
As the day moved on to night.

At last, there in the distance,
The old man walked tall and strong,
A bulging sack still on his back,
But on his lips, a song.

"I see you traded, mister,
And lost your heavy load,
His little voice grew wistful
As he looked back down the road.

The old man grinned and tossed his bag
With a thud, in the dusty track.
And he smiled a smile at the little boy
As he sat and leaned lazily back.

"Now, I'll tell you, lad, though you'll not believe--
But that sack is the same as I had.
When I saw the troubles of other folks.
I found mine not half so bad.

"Sure, I've hardly got a trouble now,
And I'll tell you something too--
If you could see that trouble pile,
You'd keep that bad leg too.

"Cause I've done a bit of thinking
As I walked along the way.
And if we worked hard on that leg of yours
It would grow straight and strong to stay,

"Now I've really nothing much to do
And a crutch I could make for a start."
Then he hugged the boy to hide a tear,
And the joy in an old man's heart.

So the boy and the man worked together,
From morning to the last light of day,
And the twisted leg finally was straightened,
And the boy could soon run and play.

It was then the old man knew he must leave,
And again he shouldered his sack,
But no longer did it bulge with his troubles--
It just hung there loose on his back!

For while he was helping another.
His own troubles faded away,
He had truly found the trouble pile,
It's there if you look for the way.

Unknown

The Trouble Pile
The Trouble Pile
"Where do you go today, old man.
With that great load there on your back?"
The old man just grumbled as he hobbled a long
Holding Tight to the bulging sack.

"I say, old man, "cried the boy again
"Do you carry a sack of gold?"
"Nay, lad," the old man whispered.
"Tis just troubles--that's all I hold."
"This sack I've carried, all my life
Each trouble I've had is here.
They've grown till now, my back grows bent
With every passing year.

"There's grief and pain, there's hurt and woe,
There are trials and sins galore
But I'm going now to the trouble pile
and I won't pack these no more."

The boy looked up with a troubled glance.
"Tell me, what's the trouble pile?
I'd like to know, and while we talk You can sit and rest a
while."

"I lack the time," the old man said,
I've got to rush along.
I want to get to the trouble pile
"Fore the little troubles are gone.

"You see, it's a place where all can go
To trade troubles great and small
You can leave yours there and pick new ones up.
Why, I'll trade 'till I've none at all."

The boy glanced down at his twisted leg,
And he blinked to hold back a tear.
"Could I trade this leg for a good one," he asked,
"If the trouble pile was here?"

"Of course, you could," the old man was gruff.
"But there's still a long way to go.
I've got to hurry or I'll be late,
And crippled you'd be too slow."

So the boy sat down and watched the man,
Disappear in the morning light,
The hours wore on and still he watched
As the day moved on to night.

At last, there in the distance,
The old man walked tall and strong,
A bulging sack still on his back,
But on his lips, a song.

"I see you traded, mister,
And lost your heavy load,
His little voice grew wistful
As he looked back down the road.

The old man grinned and tossed his bag
With a thud, in the dusty track.
And he smiled a smile at the little boy
As he sat and leaned lazily back.

"Now, I'll tell you, lad, though you'll not believe--
But that sack is the same as I had.
When I saw the troubles of other folks.
I found mine not half so bad.

"Sure, I've hardly got a trouble now,
And I'll tell you something too--
If you could see that trouble pile,
You'd keep that bad leg too.

"Cause I've done a bit of thinking
As I walked along the way.
And if we worked hard on that leg of yours
It would grow straight and strong to stay,

"Now I've really nothing much to do
And a crutch I could make for a start."
Then he hugged the boy to hide a tear,
And the joy in an old man's heart.

So the boy and the man worked together,
From morning to the last light of day,
And the twisted leg finally was straightened,
And the boy could soon run and play.

It was then the old man knew he must leave,
And again he shouldered his sack,
But no longer did it bulge with his troubles--
It just hung there loose on his back!

For while he was helping another.
His own troubles faded away,
He had truly found the trouble pile,
It's there if you look for the way.

Unknown

The Trouble Pile
The Trouble Pile
"Where do you go today, old man.
With that great load there on your back?"
The old man just grumbled as he hobbled a long
Holding Tight to the bulging sack.

"I say, old man, "cried the boy again
"Do you carry a sack of gold?"
"Nay, lad," the old man whispered.
"Tis just troubles--that's all I hold."
"This sack I've carried, all my life
Each trouble I've had is here.
They've grown till now, my back grows bent
With every passing year.

"There's grief and pain, there's hurt and woe,
There are trials and sins galore
But I'm going now to the trouble pile
and I won't pack these no more."

The boy looked up with a troubled glance.
"Tell me, what's the trouble pile?
I'd like to know, and while we talk You can sit and rest a
while."

"I lack the time," the old man said,
I've got to rush along.
I want to get to the trouble pile
"Fore the little troubles are gone.

"You see, it's a place where all can go
To trade troubles great and small
You can leave yours there and pick new ones up.
Why, I'll trade 'till I've none at all."

The boy glanced down at his twisted leg,
And he blinked to hold back a tear.
"Could I trade this leg for a good one," he asked,
"If the trouble pile was here?"

"Of course, you could," the old man was gruff.
"But there's still a long way to go.
I've got to hurry or I'll be late,
And crippled you'd be too slow."

So the boy sat down and watched the man,
Disappear in the morning light,
The hours wore on and still he watched
As the day moved on to night.

At last, there in the distance,
The old man walked tall and strong,
A bulging sack still on his back,
But on his lips, a song.

"I see you traded, mister,
And lost your heavy load,
His little voice grew wistful
As he looked back down the road.

The old man grinned and tossed his bag
With a thud, in the dusty track.
And he smiled a smile at the little boy
As he sat and leaned lazily back.

"Now, I'll tell you, lad, though you'll not believe--
But that sack is the same as I had.
When I saw the troubles of other folks.
I found mine not half so bad.

"Sure, I've hardly got a trouble now,
And I'll tell you something too--
If you could see that trouble pile,
You'd keep that bad leg too.

"Cause I've done a bit of thinking
As I walked along the way.
And if we worked hard on that leg of yours
It would grow straight and strong to stay,

"Now I've really nothing much to do
And a crutch I could make for a start."
Then he hugged the boy to hide a tear,
And the joy in an old man's heart.

So the boy and the man worked together,
From morning to the last light of day,
And the twisted leg finally was straightened,
And the boy could soon run and play.

It was then the old man knew he must leave,
And again he shouldered his sack,
But no longer did it bulge with his troubles--
It just hung there loose on his back!

For while he was helping another.
His own troubles faded away,
He had truly found the trouble pile,
It's there if you look for the way.

Unknown

What If Microsoft Made Cars?
What if Microsoft made cars

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

A couple poems
One Kind Word

Drop a pebble in the water...
Just a splash, and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples
Circling on and on and on...
Spreading, spreading from the center,
Flowing on out to the sea.
And there is no way of telling
Where the end is going to be.

Drop a pebble in the water...
In a minute you forget,
But there's little waves a-flowing,
And there's ripples circling yet,
And those little waves a-flowing
To a great big wave have grown;
You've disturbed a mighty river
Just by dropping in a stone.

Drop an unkind or careless word...
In a minute it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples
Circling on and on and on.
They keep spreading, spreading,
Spreading from the center as they go,
And there is no way to stop them,
Once you've started them to flow.

Drop an unkind or careless word...
In a minute you forget;
But there's little waves a-flowing,
And there's ripples circling yet,
And perhaps in some sad heart
A mighty wave of tears you've stirred,
And disturbed a life that was happy
As you dropped that unkind word.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness...
Just a flash and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples
Circling on and on and on,
Bearing hope and joy and comfort
on each splashing, dashing wave...
Till you wouldn't believe the volume
Of the one kind word you gave.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness
In a minute you forget;
But there's gladness still a-swelling,
And there's joy circling yet,
And you've rolled a wave of comfort
Whose sweet music can be heard
Over miles and miles of water
Just by dropping one kind word.

James W. Foley



Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral .

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.



Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.